ontrack

cw / family, abuse

post shower breakdown thoughts - i don't know what's worse: my mother telling me she feels sorry for me for getting caught in the middle of the fight between her, my father, and my sister but Not doing anything about it when she has the capacity to fix things/not listening to me whenever i tell her how she should communicate better? my sister telling me she's always there for me, that she's listening to me, that she 'understands' how i feel about the entire situation but not actually Trying to fix anything either when she's partially involved in the whole situation? or my father constantly belittling me, calling me unfair, making me feel bad for feeling awful about the entire thing when he Also has the capacity to fix things? 

it's so unfair how they just get to use me as their messenger and fucking therapist whenever they want to rant about each other and then have the fucking audacity to get mad at ME when i tell them how tired i am of constantly being at the receiving end of ALL their grievances. i don't want my mother's 'sympathy,' i don't want my sister to act like she understands me when she's not in my place and never will be, and i don't want my father to keep calling me 'unfair' when he's the one being so unfair to me. 

i don't get time for myself because i'm always busy doing chores and worrying about all of them. i couldn't go out with my friends whom i haven't seen since the beginning of the pandemic BECAUSE i was too afraid that something bad might happen at home while i'm away. i couldn't go have fun for fucking once because i was too scared my sister might get into another fight with my mother. i couldn't go because i was scared my father might get into a fight with my mother. i couldn't go because i had to stay and cook dinner for my father because no one else at home would do it. it's so unfair that i'm the one having the most awful time at home when none of this is even remotely my fault. i'd understand it if i had any responsibility in the fight, but i don't and yet i'm still the one who has to suffer like this. 

i hate it so much i hate everything i hate how i can't do anything about it. i hate how my mother keeps trying to manipulate me into doing things and making me feel guilty. i hate how my father keeps starting arguments with me over everything and then acting as if i was the one who started them. i hate how none of them listen to me, how they keep saying they care about me when i know they fucking don't.