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 haven't felt happiness in a long time; didn't think it would be possible for me to feel it especially since my family is still not on speaking terms with one another, but i saw one of my closest friends the other day and i wanted to cry out of sheer joy because seeing her after so long was so nice . 

i guess it's also because i've been cooped up at home for months now too, just repeating the same days over and over again, going back and forth between trying to communicate with my family members that don't care about what i have to say that leaving my apartment felt a bit like the freedom i used to have back when things were still okay (at home and pre-pandemic). 

my friend and i got lunch together and we spent nearly three hours just talking in the restaurant about everything and nothing. before i met up with her, my heart was literally racing at the thought of meeting up with her. i'm not the same person i was before we last saw each other in high school. we did see each other briefly a few months ago for my birthday, but that was too short for it to count. i was a little scared that she might not recognize me anymore, might not like the person i've turned into.

but it didn't really matter to her, i guess, because we laughed at each other from the very moment our eyes met---she was already inside the restaurant with a table for us, while i stood in front of her line of vision outside the venue with only a thin glass window separating us. i felt very Normal for once. talking to her made me forget about the problems i had waiting for me back at home, and i haven't felt so relaxed in months. 

i thought i was going to cry that day, but i didn't. but i wanted to. i was outside, the sun was on me, i didn't have to think about home life, and i was with my friend, and she made me feel very normal. 

by the end of the day, i was just praying for time to go by slower because i didn't want to part ways just yet. i missed her company and i didn't want to go back home, but we eventually had to say our goodbyes. for a very brief moment, i was tempted to ask for a hug. i think i used to be more okay with physical touch before the pandemic, but now it makes me feel weird. and not because i'm afraid of getting sick, but because of something else i'm not exactly sure of. but anyway, i didn't ask for one because it would've been weird and awkward, but i like to think that a few broken pieces in me would've been put back together had i gotten one. 

my sweaty shirt stuck to my skin as i walked back  to my apartment, partially saddened by the fact that the day i had been looking forward to for so long was already over, and partially resigned to the horrible awakening i had waiting for me at home. the sun had already set after a whole day of it shining down so brightly on us, and it felt a little symbolic. 

and then, as if the world was playing some cruel joke on me, it started to drizzle. 

family rant

cw / family, abuse

post shower breakdown thoughts - i don't know what's worse: my mother telling me she feels sorry for me for getting caught in the middle of the fight between her, my father, and my sister but Not doing anything about it when she has the capacity to fix things/not listening to me whenever i tell her how she should communicate better? my sister telling me she's always there for me, that she's listening to me, that she 'understands' how i feel about the entire situation but not actually Trying to fix anything either when she's partially involved in the whole situation? or my father constantly belittling me, calling me unfair, making me feel bad for feeling awful about the entire thing when he Also has the capacity to fix things? 

it's so unfair how they just get to use me as their messenger and fucking therapist whenever they want to rant about each other and then have the fucking audacity to get mad at ME when i tell them how tired i am of constantly being at the receiving end of ALL their grievances. i don't want my mother's 'sympathy,' i don't want my sister to act like she understands me when she's not in my place and never will be, and i don't want my father to keep calling me 'unfair' when he's the one being so unfair to me. 

i don't get time for myself because i'm always busy doing chores and worrying about all of them. i couldn't go out with my friends whom i haven't seen since the beginning of the pandemic BECAUSE i was too afraid that something bad might happen at home while i'm away. i couldn't go have fun for fucking once because i was too scared my sister might get into another fight with my mother. i couldn't go because i was scared my father might get into a fight with my mother. i couldn't go because i had to stay and cook dinner for my father because no one else at home would do it. it's so unfair that i'm the one having the most awful time at home when none of this is even remotely my fault. i'd understand it if i had any responsibility in the fight, but i don't and yet i'm still the one who has to suffer like this. 

i hate it so much i hate everything i hate how i can't do anything about it. i hate how my mother keeps trying to manipulate me into doing things and making me feel guilty. i hate how my father keeps starting arguments with me over everything and then acting as if i was the one who started them. i hate how none of them listen to me, how they keep saying they care about me when i know they fucking don't.