i don't actually know what's wrong with me and i really don't want to self diagnose anything? but i just read an article about the bpd relationship cycle from psychcentral and got hit by a wave of sadness lol . like it just felt so familiar to me and now i'm just wondering... if... yeah. 

holy fuck i used to think my playwriting classmates for this sem were tolerable and pretty okay but god i'm wrong LMFAO most of them are just so pretentious and rude tbh and also so patronizing like i would absolutely hate to speak to these people irl i'm glad we've only been having online classes? because if we were in a physical setting i would've ended up losing my shit every tuesday and thursday

cw / family, abuse

post shower breakdown thoughts - i don't know what's worse: my mother telling me she feels sorry for me for getting caught in the middle of the fight between her, my father, and my sister but Not doing anything about it when she has the capacity to fix things/not listening to me whenever i tell her how she should communicate better? my sister telling me she's always there for me, that she's listening to me, that she 'understands' how i feel about the entire situation but not actually Trying to fix anything either when she's partially involved in the whole situation? or my father constantly belittling me, calling me unfair, making me feel bad for feeling awful about the entire thing when he Also has the capacity to fix things? 

it's so unfair how they just get to use me as their messenger and fucking therapist whenever they want to rant about each other and then have the fucking audacity to get mad at ME when i tell them how tired i am of constantly being at the receiving end of ALL their grievances. i don't want my mother's 'sympathy,' i don't want my sister to act like she understands me when she's not in my place and never will be, and i don't want my father to keep calling me 'unfair' when he's the one being so unfair to me. 

i don't get time for myself because i'm always busy doing chores and worrying about all of them. i couldn't go out with my friends whom i haven't seen since the beginning of the pandemic BECAUSE i was too afraid that something bad might happen at home while i'm away. i couldn't go have fun for fucking once because i was too scared my sister might get into another fight with my mother. i couldn't go because i was scared my father might get into a fight with my mother. i couldn't go because i had to stay and cook dinner for my father because no one else at home would do it. it's so unfair that i'm the one having the most awful time at home when none of this is even remotely my fault. i'd understand it if i had any responsibility in the fight, but i don't and yet i'm still the one who has to suffer like this. 

i hate it so much i hate everything i hate how i can't do anything about it. i hate how my mother keeps trying to manipulate me into doing things and making me feel guilty. i hate how my father keeps starting arguments with me over everything and then acting as if i was the one who started them. i hate how none of them listen to me, how they keep saying they care about me when i know they fucking don't. 

 i really think that this show was made for me... like it's insane...

i have always been such a big fan of the horror genre ever since i was a child and zombie horror has always been one of my favorite horror subgenres of all time. i grew up rewatching my family's DVD of dawn of the dead 2004 remake over and over again when i had nothing to do, and i think all those hours i spent watching it just ended up building the foundation of my love for zombies. 

i have seen a handful of zombie movies---49 as of right now, not counting tv shows and other movies i failed to keep track of---and while it's not a lot, growing up and exposing myself to different types of zombie-related media has always felt like a place of comfort to me. good movies, bad movies, super shitty trashy b-movies are still like friends to me. and while i do think that people are running out of ways to keep the subgenre fresh and unique due to all the types of media out there, sometimes it just... doesn't matter. 

as someone who writes, making my dream zombie apocalypse story has always been one of my goals. for years i tried writing and rewriting the same idea that has been brewing in my mind by using fanfiction as a tool, however i was never really able to do it in the way i wanted to. the plot in my mind is an unfinished puzzle piece. i don't know if i'll ever be able to finish the puzzle though, because as time passes, new shows and movies keep coming out with eerie similarities as the one i have in my brain. 

when #Alive (2020) came out, it almost felt like i was watching the unwritten story in my mind come to life. LIKE the entire plot of the movie was just guy in an apartment filled with zombies trying to survive and then he meets someone, and i was like WOAH my story is kind of like that too and it was fun! and now the same thing happened when i watched all of us are dead and it was just crazy to me... it felt like seeing my imagination come to life... it sounds so dramatic and weird but it really felt like god said 'hey here's the show of your dreams' and yeah. 

ANYWAY this doesn't really make sense but i love the show so much despite its flaws and whatnot and it just makes me really happy because 1.) me <3 zombie apocalypse media 2.) it scratched a very deep itch in my brain 3.) just a super fun show in general ... 

i think one of the biggest reasons why i love aouad so much is because it explores the part about the zombie apocalypse genre that i love the most which is humanity and what it means to be human and live in a fucked up world AND it does it really well. i don't want to go off on a very long tangent and end up forgetting my main point because i will likely go ham and say so much shit that will make this post extremely long, but aouad makes use of the many characters in the show to give different perspectives on what it really means to Live and be Human. AND the found family part of it all is just... wonderfully done. 

i don't know if this is my favorite kdrama ever but it's definitely a solid contender. my favorite western tv show is already zombie related so i like to think that they're best friends in my head <3

 sorry for the long post ahead i don't know how to cut text yet :(

LOVE LOVE LOVE this drama i wish i could put into words how lovely it was and how i wish i could wipe it out of my memory and watch it all over again . it obviously isnt a perfect drama (is any drama perfect?) but it plays its strengths Very well and that's enough for me tbh i can ignore some of the things i didnt rlly like about it but its okay bc i don't have a lot of negatives abt it anyway 

weaknesses: some parts were confusing at times idk if im just dumb or i wasnt paying enough attention at some points But i was lost a couple of times during the first few episodes? i feel like the pace was a little wonky during the earlier episodes BUT!!!!!! all the confusion easily disappeared once the plot started moving forward and the show eventually found its pace and it wasn't a turn off to me at all bc everything else made up for it 

strengths: characters! definitely the characters. they made the show worth watching and they were just sooo lovable to me (except the bad guys obvi... and the chief police lady) . their relationships with one another were all so precious and powerful and relatable . ive seen my fair share of media abt characters w terminal illness so i came into this expecting it to be super sad (and it was quite sad) and depressing like the fault in our stars or something LMFAO like two people fall in love and then someone dies and its just a miserable time??? but the drama wasn't quite like that and to me, at least, the drama did a pretty good job exploring different stories and narratives for multiple characters who are terminally ill . like, i guess i can't really be a good judge on What a good way to portray terminally ill characters is because i'm not ill? but i CAN say that there was a variety of narratives that all offered fresh perspectives on what dealing with illness is like/loving someone who has a terminal illness . it wasn't always depressing in a way that u know the writers were just trying to get intense emotional reactions from viewers nor was it super preachy in a sense that it kept trying to shove positivity and sugarcoat things ? it was a good balance of pain and hope and i think the drama did it well

speaking of characters, im a huge sucker for friendships so LIKE??? to the ladies of The Green Ray room from Morning's Light Hospice... i love u girls so much and i'm in pain because i want them to be happy forever and be best friends forever like i just love them!!!!!!! when i see those three girls have fun and smile it makes my heart leap w joy and i can't explain it but goddd it was so powerful and wonderful and beautiful . i wish i could join them and be their friend like its crazy . each of their stories were also so good??? cos i really hate when i watch dramas and dislike/feel indifferent towards one of the subplots bc it feels like my time is being wasted??? (ex: the storyline for the wives in snowdrop lol) but when it came to this show, i genuinely enjoyed seeing each character get their spotlight and ESPECIALLY when it came to the girls of the green ray room (and woocheon of course but i'll save him for later)!!! i just. want to sob when i think about my girls and all the suffering they faced T___T my poor seyeon, mido, and insook u guys deserve the world . i won't go into detail abt seyeon and mido but really!!!!! they were perfect and i love them and the actresses who portrayed them were amazing!!! especially surprised bc joy from red velvet is a fantastic actress!!! idk its my first time seeing her in a drama so u can imagine how amazed i am by her rn cos that girl can ACT!!! kang yewon did sooo well too she delivered in all the scenes she was in no joke .

insook... my fave... no kidding but i think she might be my favorite main girl from any kdrama ever so far??? i suddenly forgot all the other dramas ive seen but insook's character was just!!!!!!!! i love how she has a temper and how she rarely smiles (relatable) and how when she does smile it's just so beautiful (ahn eunjin is a very very very gorgeous woman) and how shes stubborn but kind and how shes so selfless and so Human . she cares so much about people despite being let down by the world but also i just Love how she tends to hold her ground when she wants to and how her stubbornness and temper gets in the way of her relationships w/ others at times bc again, they just make her feel more real and relatable . her fears are also so valid and i adore her character to bits---flaws and all . love how u can really see her grow through her relationships with the people around her and how her character slowly develops until the very end / also, ahn eunjin def won me with her acting in the first episode when she breaks down . she needs AWARDS im serious she's a terrific actress

woocheon was also a super well written character to me and while i do wish the show explored more of his background as a hired killer, i understand that his past kills aren't super relevant to the plot!!! he's a lovable guy and he deserves all the love too and i like how the show didnt just go like 'broken girl and broken guy find each other and fall in love and its enough' because woocheon obviously needed support and compassion from other people as well and not just from insook? his interactions with other characters were very much needed and im glad the show rlly didn't just make insook and woocheon need Only each other!!! BUT! im so obsessed with how he just loves insook so much and cares so deeply for her it makes me sad when i think about it like i need a woocheon so bad but for real he loves her so much and is always so gentle and understanding and patient when it comes to her that it makes my heart ache 

the woosook relationship as a whole really sold the show for me too uhhh just . theyre so sweet and in love IT MAKES ME SICK!!!!!! theyre always touching it's insane to me actually how their hands are always on each other <///3 but also their personalities also mesh so well and OKAY like 80% of romance kdramas are like person a meets person b and fall in love and their pasts are somehow connected/its revealed that they crossed paths already when they were kids so it's destiny trope (ex: homecha, iotnbo, etc) BUT LISTEN!!! i forgive the writers for doing it to woosook because i love it and it works for ME and that's all that matters . they were made for each other... sobbing and shaking and crying... fate and destiny and the stars brought them to each other!!!!!!!!! the money airplane thing? crazy. the teddy bear thing? i actually lost my shit. i need an au where they go to venice together or something / side note: im also a sucker when two ppl r in a relationship in dramas and they have the Moment wherein they share a bed together, sleep side by side, and wake up together AND the amount of bed sharing in this drama is crazy . there was even a montage iirc . but like WOOSOOK sharing a bed trope u own my heart. woosook skin contact compilation i need it badly . side side note: the ep 8 [redacted] ... it never leaves my mind. the tenderness of that specific part??? and the scenes before it were so funny too esp when insook and woocheon entered the inn's room and had That conversation . side side side note: brilliant chemistry between the two leads. their first meeting alone is so iconic and memorable i love their first (technically second) meeting so much 

i feel like i have so much more to say about this drama but i just realized it's almost 3AM and ive been writing this bad review for more than an hour now so i have to stop at some point??? but like i just love this drama so much and have so much thoughts about it so i might come back to this post to add more or make a new post . again, i don't think it's perfect but it holds a place in my heart for how wonderful it is and how attached i got to the characters and their dynamics with one another that i don't think i can forget about it so easily. it's sad how it's pretty underrated too bc i barely see anyone talk about it on twitter or tumblr when it deserves more recognition!!!!!!!! i need more edits and fanfics to read (i checked ao3 and no. there are ZERO fics) and i need people to understand me when i say this show ROCKS . it's a beautiful drama that explores life and death and relationships and the cast is amazing, ost is bomb, plot is interesting, characters are lovable, and SPIDFVHSIFUV i need to stop rambling but yeah <3 i love this show a normal amount :) i doubt anyone will read this post but i HIGHLY recommend it :) 

 this is not that important i just feel like this is some kind of silly unlocked achievement for me but i just completed and posted my first kdrama fic omg??? and to think it's for OBS of all kdramas like... my first ever written (but unfinished) kdrama fic was for extraordinary you im pretty sure and i was super obsessed with that show for the longest time??? and then i wrote again for here's my plan but never finished it either and i loved that show to bits too? and then i planned all these fic ideas for my name because that kdrama ruined my life a little yet never rlly made those ideas come to life??? and even sweet home lmfao like i watched that show thrice i think and made plans to write fic but never did but our beloved summer??? i didn't even think i liked it That much compared to those four dramas but i guess i do after all!!! anyway, the fic i wrote was pretty short and bad but i just really wanted to write and post lol i have another idea for them but i dont think it's fully fleshed out nor will i be able to Actually write it because it's so vague but yeah!!! made obs fic and posted it at like 2AM :]

 not being able to accomplish anything fic wise for a REALLY long period weighed me down big time i think. for the longest time, i struggled finishing all the old stuff i had collecting dust on google docs. i started so much new stuff too but never even got past a hundred words so it really still boggles my mind to this day how i was able to FINALLY FINISH THE SEUNGJIN FAKE DATING AU THAT I SPENT SO LONG WORKING ON...

like it's just so weird to me because nothing particularly important happened during those weeks wherein i really pushed myself to write nonstop to finally finish it. normally, i'd get bursts of random energy to edit or add in a few bits once in a while every other month or so, but during that random week in september, i just??? went all out? i wasn't like in a happy mood to write or anything, nor was i in those sad moods that inspire me to write angsty stuff. i MEAN my mom had covid that time and we were all at risk too, but i was just sitting there and writing until i finally finished it? just crazy to me seriously. 

AND THEN OCTOBER CAME AND I WROTE THREE MORE THINGS??? AND ACTUALLY FINISHED AND POSTED TOO??? i honestly thought i'd get burnt out after writing 25k of seungjin madness but i didn't? i really don't know what possessed me during that whole time but it was wild to me... as someone who has so many drafts and unfinished business... as someone who quits writing at the slightest inconvenience ever... as someone with the worst attention span and memory and horrible working habits... I DID ALL OF THAT. and i have a serious love-hate relationship with writing, but those few weeks made me really happy about my work for once. like not the fics themselves because they're not as good as i'd like for them to be, but just the fact that i wrote anything in general and actually finished the job. FOUR TIMES. i'm just. pleased that i didn't let another year go by without doing anything special for myself. that's all, really.

i'd like to have those days back.